Originally posted on Thursday, February 16th, 2012
‘…and I should like him to get up a few little arguments about the disastrous effects of a return to cash payments and a metallic currency, with a touch now and then about the exportation of bullion, and the Emperor of Russia, and bank notes, and all that kind of thing, which it’s only necessary to talk fluently about, because nobody understands it. Do you take me?’
Dickens, giving a public reading, 1867
(FROM) THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NICHOLAS NICKLEBY
Nicholas stepped forward, and bowed.
‘What do you do here, sir?’ asked Mr Gregsbury; ‘a spy upon my privacy! A concealed voter! You have heard my answer, sir. Pray follow the deputation.’
‘I should have done so, if I had belonged to it, but I do not,’ said Nicholas.
‘Then how came you here, sir?’ was the natural inquiry of Mr Gregsbury, MP. ‘And where the devil have you come from, sir?’ was the question which followed it.
‘I brought this card from the General Agency Office, sir,’ said Nicholas, ‘wishing to offer myself as your secretary, and understanding that you stood in need of one.’
‘That’s all you have come for, is it?’ said Mr Gregsbury, eyeing him in some doubt.
Nicholas replied in the affirmative.
‘You have no connection with any of those rascally papers have you?’ said Mr Gregsbury. ‘You didn’t get into the room, to hear what was going forward, and put it in print, eh?’
‘I have no connection, I am sorry to say, with anything at present,’ rejoined Nicholas,–politely enough, but quite at his ease.
‘Oh!’ said Mr Gregsbury. ‘How did you find your way up here, then?’
Nicholas related how he had been forced up by the deputation.
‘That was the way, was it?’ said Mr Gregsbury. ‘Sit down.’
Nicholas took a chair, and Mr Gregsbury stared at him for a long time, as if to make certain, before he asked any further questions, that there were no objections to his outward appearance.
‘You want to be my secretary, do you?’ he said at length…
There are other duties, Mr Nickleby, which a secretary to a parliamentary gentleman must never lose sight of. I should require to be crammed, sir.’
‘I beg your pardon,’ interposed Nicholas, doubtful whether he had heard aright.
‘—To be crammed, sir,’ repeated Mr Gregsbury.
‘May I beg your pardon again, if I inquire what you mean, sir?’ said Nicholas.
‘My meaning, sir, is perfectly plain,’ replied Mr Gregsbury with a solemn aspect. ‘My secretary would have to make himself master of the foreign policy of the world, as it is mirrored in the newspapers; to run his eye over all accounts of public meetings, all leading articles, and accounts of the proceedings of public bodies; and to make notes of anything which it appeared to him might be made a point of, in any little speech upon the question of some petition lying on the table, or anything of that kind. Do you understand?’
‘I think I do, sir,’ replied Nicholas.
‘Then,’ said Mr Gregsbury, ‘it would be necessary for him to make himself acquainted, from day to day, with newspaper paragraphs on passing events; such as “Mysterious disappearance, and supposed suicide of a potboy,” or anything of that sort, upon which I might found a question to the Secretary of State for the Home Department. Then, he would have to copy the question, and as much as I remembered of the answer (including a little compliment about independence and good sense); and to send the manuscript in a frank to the local paper, with perhaps half-a-dozen lines of leader, to the effect, that I was always to be found in my place in parliament, and never shrunk from the responsible and arduous duties, and so forth. You see?’
Nicholas bowed.
‘Besides which,’ continued Mr Gregsbury, ‘I should expect him, now and then, to go through a few figures in the printed tables, and to pick out a few results, so that I might come out pretty well on timber duty questions, and finance questions, and so on; and I should like him to get up a few little arguments about the disastrous effects of a return to cash payments and a metallic currency, with a touch now and then about the exportation of bullion, and the Emperor of Russia, and bank notes, and all that kind of thing, which it’s only necessary to talk fluently about, because nobody understands it. Do you take me?’
‘I think I understand,’ said Nicholas.
— Chapter 16.
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